I Can Go The Distance!!!

FACT : College students get more amusement and enjoyment out of Disney movies than the movies’ targeted demographic age does.  My, how times have changed.

A little over a month ago, my suitemates and I met up with our former RA’s to have a movie night.  The night resulted in a Disney marathon in which we all sang-along (horribly and off-key) to the songs we grew up with, and briefly debated on which movies were the best in terms of plot development, songs, villains, heroes, etc.  And it got me thinking: which Disney movies have the best characters, songs, etc.?

Best Disney Princess :

By far, I have to say Belle is the best Disney Princess.  Reasons why : She willingly gave up her freedom to save her father.  She’s (book)smart.  She realizes that true beauty comes from within, and is not based on physical appearances. 

Why Disney’s other “ordained” princesses don’t work.  Aurora spends her whole movie asleep; Cinderella had to put pretty clothes on to be noticed by Charming; Snow White bossed woodland creatures and the Dwarfs around; Jasmine was just really naïve, really; Ariel, a mermaid, gave up her life under the sea to marry a human she stalked saved from a shipwreck – she will never see her family again.

Best Disney Hero :

I love Aladdin, hands down.  He’s brave, compassionate, and ridiculously cunning.  Seriously, I would never have thought of a way to make the Genie get me out of the Cave of Wonders without wishing for it.

Best Disney Heroine (that Disney never seems to recognize as a princess) :

Mulan!!! She stole her father’s armor, ran away from home, impersonated a soldier, deceived her commanding officer, dishonored the Chinese army, destroyed the emperor’s palace, AND she saved all of China.  She proved that women are just as capable as men!  Runner ups : Esmeralda and Pocahontas.

Best Disney Villain (nonmagical) :

Contrary to what Melissa believes, the best nonmagical Disney villain, by far, is Judge Claude Frollo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame.  The man literally burns down all of Paris based on his lustful desire to claim Esmeralda as his own.  Close runner-ups would be Shan Yu (he destroys all of China) and Scar (he killed Mufasa, his brother).

Best Disney Villain (magical) :

Hades.  I know he’s a god, but that should count towards magical abilities, right?  Though, my liking of him may be based on my liking of his voice and his sense of humor.  And his hair is blue fire; how cool is that?!

Best Song(s!) :

Since there is no way in heaven or on earth that I will be able to pick the “best” song, I’m just gonna list a bunch of sub-categories:

Best workout/I need some motivation song

It’s a tie between “Be a Man” – Mulan and “I Can Go the Distance” – Hercules.

Best power ballad that makes you question who you are

“Reflection” – Mulan.

 Best song that makes you question religion

“God Help the Outcasts” – The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

 Best song that you and your girlfriends will use in your new all-girl band

“I Won’t Say I’m in Love” – Hercules.

 Best love song

“Can You Feel the Love Tonight” – The Lion King.

 Best no-worries-or-no-cares-in-the-world song

“Hakuna Matata” – The Lion King (y’see, it’s funny, because it means no worries).

 Best song sung by an enchanted dish

“Beauty and the Beast” – Beauty and the Beast.

 Best song sung by a minor character

“Under the Sea” – The Little Mermaid.

 Best song sung by a villain

“Hellfire” – The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

 Best power ballad sung by a hero

“Out There” – The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

No Touchy

Fact: Even though Prince William and his adorable red headed brother Prince Harry are the subject of many school girl fantasies they are NOT the only royal families out there. In fact there are 23 countries around the world that still maintain a monarchy defined by the CIA factbook as "a government in which the supreme power is lodged in the hands of a monarch who reigns over a state or territory usually for life and by hereditary right with constitutionally limited authority." So ladies don’t fret William may no longer be available but you can still be a princess…I hear the prince of Bhutan is quite the catch!

Filmmakers and authors alike have managed to create some pretty evil/creepy characters: Sue Sylvester, Lemony Snickett, Barney (more creepy than evil), Glenn Beck (oh wait he's real...damn), the list could go on but I've always been most spooked by the notorious Yzma.

She is a hilariously relentless villain from Disney's Emperors New Groove who doesn't just act like an old and bitter maniac she looks like one too. From her awkwardly pointy features to her long and stringy lashes back down (far down) to her droopy boobs, she resembles my high school health teacher: age 13,023,472,838 …now that is scary. Everything about her screams intimidating from her evil lair containing vials of llama extract to her Lady Gaga like wardrobe with inexplicably lavish accessories she is the epitome of villain. I particularly like her abusive and manipulative nature towards Krunk, her less than apt henchman who can't seem to think for himself. It's his blunders and Yzma's not quite royal status that drive her crazy ways.

Her words not mine:

Yzma: It is no concern of mine whether or not your family has... what was it again?

Peasant: Umm... food?
Yzma: Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants!

*shudder worthy*

Stories and films and characters, Oh My!

Fact: “The Hobbit” will not only be shot on 3D (I’m still undecided about whether that adds anything to the film/story), it will also be shot at 48 frames per second, opposed to the traditional 24fps. That means the film will capture twice as much action in the scene, making the movements more realistic and less intermittent/choppy. You don’t notice with 24fps, but maybe after watching “The Hobbit” the world will see.

I’ve been living in films and stories for the past few weeks. I played in an intercollegiate Quidditch Tournament (yes, it’s real, it’s awesome, and it’s intense) which involved hours in a car going halfway across the state and conversation that consisted of wonderfully geeky things (Harry Potter, LOTR, Star Trek, Glee, old school Disney + sing-a-longs, etc). I’ve also been working on three separate film projects, with some coming along better than others. So, I’ve been immersed in characters. Thus, I announce some of Meli’s Fictional Character Awards!

Best Character

My favorite fictional character is, hands down, Columbo from the 1970s detective show. He’s funny, bumbling, and always has “just one more thing” to ask. The clever part of Columbo: that’s all part of his act. He’s smart, knows who did the crime early on and cleverly lures the murderer into a false sense of security before BAM! Arrest. Mystery, comedy, a-ha moments, and a cop who’s as squeamish as I am? Love it!

Best Disney Villain

Cruella de Ville. She wanted to kill a bunch of sweet, innocent, adorable little puppies for a coat?! Crazy, demented monster… Honorable Mention goes to Ursella from “The Little Mermaid” for that creepy scene at the end where she gets enormous and her voice goes all deep. *shudder*

Gandalf or Dumbledore?

Tough one, since I’m a fan of both. LOTR made me want to make films/helped me find my passion/obsession, but I grew up with Harry Potter and it was a part of me for ten years (and more, since I spend my weekends driving to play in distant Quidditch tournaments). Both Gandalf and Dumbledore should have filled in their respective heroes much earlier, though I suppose it’s the wise mentor archetype’s job to give little bits of info and let the hero go through hell on a quest for knowledge. I do think Dumbledore hid the most useful info, even when it was just suspicions about horcruxes, which makes me more inclined to have Gandalf join me on my next epic quest. Gandalf also came back from the dead with more power than you could possible imagine! (That was a Star Wars reference for you pop-culturally deprived people out there.) My vote goes to Gandalf, but barely.

Best Theme Song

Tie between the Pink Panther and Darth Vader. Both iconic, both perfect for their character. One makes you feel classy and maybe a little sneaky, and the other makes you feel like a badass. Cool stuff.

If I could have lunch with one character right this second…

Richard Castle, from the TV show “Castle.” I was watching it earlier, I’m writing a spec script of it, and I think he’d be fun to hang out with. We’d go have lunch somewhere like an ice cream store and hang out and talk about plots and writing while quoting geeky awesome stuff.

And thus concludes the Meli’s Fictional Character Awards!

Under my Umbrella ella ella eh eh....

Fact: The word for umbrella in Amharic is jantella. In Spanish it is paraguas. In Japanese its kasa. In French its parapluie. If you would like to be as worldly as me just google "how to say umbrella in *language of choice.* "

I can honestly say I have never purchased an umbrella. For one thing: I'm not afraid of water. *One caveat to that is if my hair is done.* Because[water + fro = an even bigger fro.]

Also, I'm afraid of what my umbrella might say about me....laugh if you want but this is a serious dilemma. Being the only individual in the city of Austin without an umbrella I've been able to objectively deduce a theory. A person's umbrella reflects some fact about their personality, this fact can be better understood with analysis of color, shape, design, and logo on the umbrella.

For example:

• If your umbrella is beige, brown or tan you stole it from your grandparents.
• If it is clear -you are unique
• black -you are boring
• black with some design- you are classy
• grey- the store ran out of other colors
• cats (or really any animal) - you are over the age of 42
• a landscape and or city skyline - you're a communist or an architect
• polka-dots, ruffles, pink floral... other cutesy designs - your idol is Barbie
• expensive looking or custom made - talk to me so I can help you spend your money wisely
• parasol like- you drink a lot of tea
• If there is a bird on the handle- Mary Poppins is on your top ten favorite movies list
• An American flag- you have matching underwear
• classic multicolor panels - you grew up in the 90's

You can e-mail me at judgemebymyumbrella@ yahoo.com for further analysis of your specific umbrella type.

What a crazy-random-happenstance.

The MaryAnn Theory

FACT: Psychologically speaking, a theory is a set of propositions that attempt to explain the interrelationships among a set of variables.  Additionally, a theory is scientifically supported by several research studies that have found similar results.  Thus, my “MaryAnn Theory” is not really a theory, but rather a hypothesis (if even that).  For the sake of argument, however, (and the fact that “The MaryAnn Hypothesis” sounds awful), I will be referring to the present blurb as “The MaryAnn Theory.”  (Yes, I am still stuck in research paper mode).

            The MaryAnn Theory (not to be confused with the Mary-Sue Theory[1]) is an idea I’ve been developing over the past four-or-so years.  What the theory essentially boils down to is this: Individuals of a certain name (for safety reasons, I have changed the name to MaryAnn) are – how shall I put this delicately? – EVIL.  Alright, alright; that’s a bit much.  Let’s just put it this way: They’re not nice people.

            My first noteworthy encounter with a MaryAnn was back in kindergarten.  To put it bluntly, she was a bit of a bully.  I remember her making fun of my name – by calling me Reese’s Pieces – and just bossing me around.  When I was five, I was both a pushover and overly sensitive, and as a result, I cried a-lot~ when my feelings were hurt.  But I suppose this MaryAnn taught me to toughen up; and ironically enough, Reese’s Pieces has become my nickname.  Regardless, at this point in my life, I didn’t make an association between the name ‘MaryAnn’ and evilness.

            Now, flash-forward a couple of years, and crybaby Risa has become teenage, high school, “I rarely talk” Risa.

            It’s was my sophomore year in high school when the MaryAnn theory began to take shape.  My-unnamed-friend and I had been placed into the same morning class (finally), and it was in this class that I met the infamous MaryAnn.  Infamous MaryAnn had become friends with my-unnamed-friend the previous year through both church (I think) and some student club, so I had never met her before.  When my-unnamed-friend introduced her to me, I remember getting the impression that something was not right about her overtly-chipper smile.  Deciding to be the nice person that I am, I shrugged the feeling off.  I kind of wish I hadn’t.

            Things with this MaryAnn slowly went from alright to slightly intolerable to downright unbearable.  She seemed to have a dependency issue, as well as a need to step on people who weren’t as fortunate as her.  There were days where she would need my-unnamed-friend (and sometimes me, if I didn’t give off a ‘don’t talk to me’ vibe) to make her feel like a person of worth, or to help her with her homework (code for, “Can I copeee – I-I-I mean look at your homework?).  Then there were days where she would brag about all the cool junk that she had – Blackberry cell phones (a rarity in those days); Coach Purses; A BRANDNEW CAR for a 16 year old.  Following those days, it was not a surprise when MaryAnn would then complain about her parents, and how “they never let [her] do anything”.   I remember my-unnamed-friend telling me (as an excuse) that she only acted that way because her parents were having marital issues.  My rebuttal to that had been that although my home life had not been an ideal one when I was younger, I still didn’t act like a spoiled brat because of that and my status as the baby-in-the-family.  After a while, my-unnamed friend conceded defeat. 

            Eventually, Infamous MaryAnn started hanging out with people who talked vehemently behind her back.  She began drinking alcohol at parties.  And in those days, I hated alcohol and anyone associated with it.  That was kind of the final straw.

            For the rest of my high school years (and college years), there were quite a few MaryAnn’s that contributed to my theory:

•  There was Debate MaryAnn.  Debate MaryAnn was a member from an opposing debate team (surprise) who always seemed to one-up Meli with his speech that was more about histrionics then actual content.  This MaryAnn was also cocky.
•   Then, there was High School Cliché MaryAnn.  This MaryAnn was your stereotypical cheerleader/mean girl
•   Trouble MaryAnn was the ex-girlfriend of the boy who’s dating one of my best friends.  By extension, I have to not like her.
• Weird MaryAnn was a relatively quiet girl I lived with.  However, she was creepy as ****.  She had a habit of evilly giggling when it was quiet.  It freaked me out.  It’s always the quiet ones, after all. 
• Shower MaryAnn (get your heads out of the gutter, people) was a MaryAnn I lived with during my first year of college.  She loved to spend HOURS in the shower.  I fondly remember the night that I was studying for a really tough test.  By the time I was done studying for the night, it was 2 AM.  Shower MaryAnn had already been in the shower for a while, so I assumed she was done.  She was not.  She had been in the shower for 2 hours already.  WTH.  So I waited.  By the time I was done, it was 3 AM.  My test was at 8 AM.   Oh joy.  Also, this MaryAnn had an issue of “one-upping” people; if she asked you about your problems, she’d say how her problems were worse than yours.  Thanks a lot.

          And that is my MaryAnn theory.  Of course, there are exceptions to any theory or rule.  But, I still find this idea of mine to be absolutely fascinating.

          Now, then.  Back to my delusional, sleep-deprived world.  Peace.

---

[1] In which fangirls/fanboys insert themselves into the storyline of some media (e.g., TV shows, movies, videogames) in a pathetic attempt to make their lives better.  Admittedly, some fanfiction is good; just not Mary-Sue fanfiction.

Three in the Morning

Fact: “The Claw” is the part of a film camera that grabs the film by its sprocket holes and pulls it down to advance the film. It does this 24 times a second.

The most brilliant plans, theories, and philosophical insights grace human minds with their presence in the sleep deprived state around three in the morning. No drugs, alcohol, or special “brain food” required; simply staying awake with friends until the wee hours of the morning (sometimes until when the sun comes up the next day) somehow gets those “think outside the box”, creative juices flowing. The end result of these sleep deprived conversations is roughly 15% practical plans and ideas, 25% philosophical and serious conversation topics, and 60% absolute silliness.

Such Three in the Morning activities include*: muting a telenovela and re-dubbing it, having a serious conversation about how kids of future generations should read Harry Potter (all at once since they’re all published, or one book a year so the anticipation builds like it was when they were first published?), making detailed and elaborate travel plans, and embarking on artistic endeavors such as a comic book.

To enhance the educational value of a Three in the Morning, consult Wikipedia and link-hop articles for several hours with the occasional detour to Google Images. (I suggest starting with deep sea creatures. There’s some crazy and fascinating stuff living down there!)


*Nope, I’m not your cliche of a party animal college student. Can you tell?

Please Don't Sit Next to Me

Fact: The longest word in the English Language is, Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis except not exactly, click on the link to see why there are technically some exceptions. Silicosis for short, is an actual medical term used to describe a condition where volcanic ashes containing silicon dioxide infect a patient’s lungs and cause inflammation.

There are three things I absolutely can't stand about any given semester.

1.) Being in the crowded elevators and the awkward moments that ensue. For example: earlier this week I was in a rush and someone had just made it into the entrance and was running to the elevator as the doors were closing. Unfortunately for that girl she missed the lift but lucky for me I would be in class on time so I turn to the others in the elevator and I smirk (feeling accomplished), in fact, I’m so happy I say, "sucks for her” to which some guy responds “ I was going to hold it open for her but you were kinda in the way,” so I smile and shamefully finish my nine floors up.The awkwardness didn't stop there .... guess who sat next to me in class ...yup...and she even picked up my pen after I clumsily dropped it.

2.) The “melting pot” at this university makes for a great place to meet and mingle except when the pot is actually just one big ash tray. All I have to say to smokers is that I increase my life expectancy by 18 years by choosing NOT to smoke!

3.) Any weekday at the “Potspot” (my dorm whose actual name I won’t reveal for safety reasons) is a day for a party. Basically drinking is fair game anytime between noon and midnight, that’s right people, they aren’t even cool enough to wait until after midnight to get schwasty-faced or high. Which brings me to my great business proposal, inspired by none other then the weed wafting pot posers on my floor, who try and cover up the smell of burning nature by pouring vats of Febreeze or Lysol in and around their rooms. No matter how much they use I can still smell their leftovers, I feel that I could remedy this which is why my future is in the odor removal business. They mostly fear Dave our very laid back rent -a- cop who is actually an overgrown frat boy. I’m not sure if they have figured out that Dave has no power to arrest them and is actually only there so the dorm can put some use to the overpriced rent they charge by giving him a paycheck. Truth is the only way they can be caught is if someone calls the cops…ooo now there’s an idea.