FACT: Psychologically speaking, a theory is a set of propositions that attempt to explain the interrelationships among a set of variables. Additionally, a theory is scientifically supported by several research studies that have found similar results. Thus, my “MaryAnn Theory” is not really a theory, but rather a hypothesis (if even that). For the sake of argument, however, (and the fact that “The MaryAnn Hypothesis” sounds awful), I will be referring to the present blurb as “The MaryAnn Theory.” (Yes, I am still stuck in research paper mode).
The MaryAnn Theory (not to be confused with the Mary-Sue Theory[1]) is an idea I’ve been developing over the past four-or-so years. What the theory essentially boils down to is this: Individuals of a certain name (for safety reasons, I have changed the name to MaryAnn) are – how shall I put this delicately? – EVIL. Alright, alright; that’s a bit much. Let’s just put it this way: They’re not nice people.
My first noteworthy encounter with a MaryAnn was back in kindergarten. To put it bluntly, she was a bit of a bully. I remember her making fun of my name – by calling me Reese’s Pieces – and just bossing me around. When I was five, I was both a pushover and overly sensitive, and as a result, I cried a-lot~ when my feelings were hurt. But I suppose this MaryAnn taught me to toughen up; and ironically enough, Reese’s Pieces has become my nickname. Regardless, at this point in my life, I didn’t make an association between the name ‘MaryAnn’ and evilness.
Now, flash-forward a couple of years, and crybaby Risa has become teenage, high school, “I rarely talk” Risa.
It’s was my sophomore year in high school when the MaryAnn theory began to take shape. My-unnamed-friend and I had been placed into the same morning class (finally), and it was in this class that I met the infamous MaryAnn. Infamous MaryAnn had become friends with my-unnamed-friend the previous year through both church (I think) and some student club, so I had never met her before. When my-unnamed-friend introduced her to me, I remember getting the impression that something was not right about her overtly-chipper smile. Deciding to be the nice person that I am, I shrugged the feeling off. I kind of wish I hadn’t.
Things with this MaryAnn slowly went from alright to slightly intolerable to downright unbearable. She seemed to have a dependency issue, as well as a need to step on people who weren’t as fortunate as her. There were days where she would need my-unnamed-friend (and sometimes me, if I didn’t give off a ‘don’t talk to me’ vibe) to make her feel like a person of worth, or to help her with her homework (code for, “Can I copeee – I-I-I mean look at your homework?). Then there were days where she would brag about all the cool junk that she had – Blackberry cell phones (a rarity in those days); Coach Purses; A BRANDNEW CAR for a 16 year old. Following those days, it was not a surprise when MaryAnn would then complain about her parents, and how “they never let [her] do anything”. I remember my-unnamed-friend telling me (as an excuse) that she only acted that way because her parents were having marital issues. My rebuttal to that had been that although my home life had not been an ideal one when I was younger, I still didn’t act like a spoiled brat because of that and my status as the baby-in-the-family. After a while, my-unnamed friend conceded defeat.
Eventually, Infamous MaryAnn started hanging out with people who talked vehemently behind her back. She began drinking alcohol at parties. And in those days, I hated alcohol and anyone associated with it. That was kind of the final straw.
For the rest of my high school years (and college years), there were quite a few MaryAnn’s that contributed to my theory:
- There was Debate MaryAnn. Debate MaryAnn was a member from an opposing debate team (surprise) who always seemed to one-up Meli with his speech that was more about histrionics then actual content. This MaryAnn was also cocky.
- Then, there was High School Cliché MaryAnn. This MaryAnn was your stereotypical cheerleader/mean girl
- Trouble MaryAnn was the ex-girlfriend of the boy who’s dating one of my best friends. By extension, I have to not like her.
- Weird MaryAnn was a relatively quiet girl I lived with. However, she was creepy as ****. She had a habit of evilly giggling when it was quiet. It freaked me out. It’s always the quiet ones, after all.
- Shower MaryAnn (get your heads out of the gutter, people) was a MaryAnn I lived with during my first year of college. She loved to spend HOURS in the shower. I fondly remember the night that I was studying for a really tough test. By the time I was done studying for the night, it was 2 AM. Shower MaryAnn had already been in the shower for a while, so I assumed she was done. She was not. She had been in the shower for 2 hours already. WTH. So I waited. By the time I was done, it was 3 AM. My test was at 8 AM. Oh joy. Also, this MaryAnn had an issue of “one-upping” people; if she asked you about your problems, she’d say how her problems were worse than yours. Thanks a lot.
And that is my MaryAnn theory. Of course, there are exceptions to any theory or rule. But, I still find this idea of mine to be absolutely fascinating.
Now, then. Back to my delusional, sleep-deprived world. Peace.
[1] In which fangirls/fanboys insert themselves into the storyline of some media (e.g., TV shows, movies, videogames) in a pathetic attempt to make their lives better. Admittedly, some fanfiction is good; just not Mary-Sue fanfiction.
